/* Compressed with CompressRexx v2.1, (C) 1993-96 Robert Hofmann */
parse arg cmd' 'nick;options results;address"AMIRC.1";bold = d2c(2);inv = d2c(22);getchannel;Channel=RESULT;getmynick;me=RESULT;Call Setclip('DFxTIME',Time());if cmd='' then do;"echo P="d2c(27)"b|DWaRFx| Usage: /DwQUOTE <QuoteNumber 1-22>";"echo P="d2c(27)"b|DWaRFx| Or";"echo P="d2c(27)"b|DWaRFx| Usage: /DwQUOTE RANDOM";exit;end;if cmd='GREENDOG' then do;"echo P="d2c(27)"b|DWaRFx| Secret Mode Innitiated";"say /Msg GåZ Welcome GåZ, Author of |DWaRFx|....Your Programming has NOT been tampered with yet.";exit;end;"echo P="d2c(27)"b|DWaRFx| Using |DWaRFQUOTe|"inv" By GåZ Murfin "inv" Quote #"bold""cmd""bold" in "bold""channel""bold"";"say |DWaRFx| Get It At - http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~gazy/";"say -^*-^*-^*-";IF upper(cmd)='RANDOM' then do;val=random(1,20,time(s));cmd=val;"say "bold"Mr Grant Naylor Sir...please pick a Random RedDwarf quote....KrytaZ I think Ill have quote #"cmd"."bold"";call MainPart();EXIT;END;if upper(cmd)~='RANDOM' then do;call mainpart();EXIT;e
nd;Exit;MainPart:;SELECT
WHEN cmd='1' THEN DO;"say Lister: I just think youre a bit cocky for a guy who has never actually met a real woman before...";"say Cat: Ive seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it buddy - I have a body that makes men wet. You ever heard of an animal called the Iranian Jerd? It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.";"say Lister: "bold"So?";"say Cat: Thats me in slo-mo. Put a Black & Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls! ";END;WHEN cmd='2' THEN DO;"say Cat: Whats he talking about?....";"say Lister: I Dunno - For some reason, hes got this whacked out Idea that all three of us were going on a fishing holiday.....";"say Cat: A fishing Holiday?";"say Rimmer Spots note pinned on Fridge,";"say They all look at their feet....";"say Rimmer: Dear Rimmer, We have gone on a fishing holiday on the ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you but couldnt. See You in three days, L,K & C";"say Kryten: They made me do it sir! I had no choice!";END;WHEN cmd='3' THEN DO
"say Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat?";"say Im OK. I dont seem to be affected. Its TRUE, I dont think anyones ever truely loved me in my entire life, but uh...theres nothing new about that.";"say Cat: Whats gotten into you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall. "bold"Why is it always me who has to be the strong one?";"say Without me you guysd just fall apart.";"say Kryten: We should get back as soon as we can and take a mood stabilizer - suggest Lithium carbonate.";END;WHEN cmd='4' THEN DO;"say Lister: WAIT! Dont do anything. Im coming in...Kryten get the bazookoids, Rimmer plot a course!";"say Rimmer: Lister, Tune into Sanity FM.";"say Lister: What?...Are you saying they were...Psirens";"say Rimmer: Oh course! Its as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up";"say Lister: You sure?";"say Rimmer: Come on Listy, youre giving simpletons a bad name!";END;WHEN cmd='5' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: Any Damage?"
"say Cat: Not too bad. A couple of the sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesnt go up and down anymore"bold"!";"say Rimmer: We came through that intact?";"say Kryten: StarBug was built to last sir. This old babys crashed more times than a ZX81.";"say Lister: Its the material its built from. Aerospace engineers discovered that after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll. They built StarBug out of the same stuff.";"say Cat: Is that a fact?";"say Lister: Cat youre so gullible!";"say Cat: Thanks!";END;WHEN cmd='6' THEN DO;"say Lister: Brace yourselves, we are going through it!";"say Rimmer: Motor cycles! Looks like theyre carrying personal rocket launchers";"say Lister: That bridge, Think we can make it?";"say Rimmer: Its rising!";"say Lister: Got any better ideas"bold"?";"say Cat: Do it!";"say All: Woooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!";END;WHEN cmd='7' THEN DO;"say Lister: Dont fight it, man. Let
it take you..."
"say Rimmer: How can you be so mind bogglingly flippant? Dont you realise whats going to happen? Were going to "bold"crash!";"say Lister: Youve got to stay calm. Its a known fact - the more relaxed you are, the less youre likely to be injured.";"say Kryten: Good luck, everybody - here it comes!";"say All: Ahhh!";END;WHEN cmd='8' THEN DO;"say Orderly: No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the Dibbley party. Which ones Duane Dibbley?";"say /nick Duane";"say /me looks up...";"say Cat: No! Please No! I dont want to be Duane Dibbley!";"say Lister: Its TRUE - its got your photo, name and address & everything. Theres an anorak in here...";"say /me is shamed..";"say Lister: White socks...nylon shirt.....plastic sandals....aertex vest....cardigan....Oh, and a key to the salvation Army Hostel....";"say Cat: It doesnt make sense"
"say Rimmer: Im sorry, bit im afriad it makes perfect sense...Duane. Imagine a guy with no élan, no style, a misfit. Doesnt it make total sense that this hapless creature would give his back teeth to play someone like the Cat in a computer game?";"say Cat: So this is really me? a no-style gimbo with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship.";END;WHEN cmd='9' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: I dont know what to say..";"say Lister: "bold"nothing to say";"say Rimmer: Youve made a supreme sacrifice. You know that? A SUPREME sacrifice.";"say Lister: Had to be done";"say Rimmer: Ive been judging the book by its cover, havent I? All these years, thats what Ive been doing. But when it really comes down to it, youre one heck of a regular guy.";"say Lister: ohh (grunts)";END;WHEN cmd='10' THEN DO;"say Cat: Ohhhhh, paisley with stripes, nice match Green anoraks with furry collars......theyre great...";"say Kryten: Sir hes delirious.";"say Cat: Ohhhh...rubber over trousers, held down with bicycle cli
ps. "bold"Wow!"
"say /Topic Cat is delirious...listen to his fevered rantings right here!";END;WHEN cmd='11' THEN DO;"say Lister: Jake - Jake Bullet";"say Kryten: Jake Bullet - Cybernautic Detective. I like that. Sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. And if those pen pushers up at city hall dont like it, they can park their over";"say paid, fat asses on this mid digit and swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.";"say Rimmer: On the other hand, Mr Bullet, perhaps the Cybernautic Division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather macho "bold"silly name";"say Kryten: Oh, yes sir. Good Point. I didnt think of that";"say /nick Jake_Bullet";END;WHEN cmd='12' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?";"say Kryten: Where are we going?";"say Rimmer: We are going to do to Lister what Alexander the great once did to "bold"ME.";"say ;-(";END;WHEN cmd='13' THEN DO
"say Womans Voice: For the last four years, you have been enaged in the Total Immersion Video game |RedDwarf|. As with all role-playing adventures, you will experience a certain amount of disorientation on leaving the game. It will be several minutes";"say before your real life memories return, so, in the meantime, please disengage the game playing machinery and relax until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions. On behalf of Leisure World International may we be the first";"say to say,"bold" Welcome back to reality.";"say Lister: This is a very, very bad dream, right?";"say "bold"|DWaRFx|";END;WHEN cmd='14' THEN DO;"say Lister: Lose his leg?";"say Kryten: I fear so. The operation required to save it is beyond my expertise.";"say Cat: Lose my leg? Oh thats terrible - none of my suits will fit!";"say /nick Cat";"say /me faints...";END;WHEN cmd='15' THEN DO
"say Rimmer: How would you feel if some git arrived from another dimension - another Lister with wall-to-wall charisma and a Ph.D in being deeply handsome and wonderful?";"say Lister: hey man - I am that Lister!";"say No, come on. How would you feel if there was another Lister doing a hell of a lot better than you?";"say Ahh shut up you gimboid"bold"!";END;WHEN cmd='16' THEN DO;"say Lister: Its because youre unhappy with your own weasly, humdrum existance. Youre looking for something with a bit more...I dont know....glamour?";"say Lister: Now is what counts - youve got to live life today. Who knows whats going to happen tommorow? Who knows whats going to happen in the next 5 minutes?";"say Lister: Thats what makes life so exciting.";"say *ThE MeTe0r SmAsHeS iNtø ThËM "bold"|DWaRFx|";END;WHEN cmd='17' THEN DO;"say Lister crosses to the blankets, takes out his ZiPPo and holds it to the blankets, they dont ignite, Listers jacket does."
"say Rimmer: Whatever crime you try to commit, the consequences happen to you.";"say Listers jacket blazes in flames";"say Lister: Im not with "bold"you";"say he feels the heat from the back of his flaming jacket...SMEGGING HELL!! Nice example Rimmer, nice example...";END;WHEN cmd='18' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: Skipper?";"say Ace: Chap like him needs a nickname. Thought skipper sat rather well.";"say Rimmer: Ace & Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.";"say Ace: Dont listen to him, skipper. Lets get this TeaChest up into the stars and back to the "bold"small rouge one";"say Rimmer: Yes the sooner we get back, the sooner you can climb into a nice soapy bath together and play Spot the submarine!";END;WHEN cmd='19' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: Oh Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant youre carrying in your trousers, or do I detect youre a tad concerned?";"say Lister: Well come on guys - everyone has done something in their past thats a bit illegal."
"say Rimmer: I havent. Ive never so much as got a parking fine.";"say Cat: So what did you do"bold"?";"say Lister: Well I mean like scrumping, when I was a kid back in Liverpool we all used to go scrumping.";"say Kryten: Stealing apples, thats hardly a crime.";"say Lister: yeah but me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.";END;WHEN cmd='20' THEN DO;"say Lister: yeah, but there was other stuff as a kid. Stuff I didnt get caught for.";"say Rimmer: Like what?";"say Lister: There was this one time at this hotel";"say Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels";"say Lister: I took the bed. Winched it out of the window ot my mate outside. I was renting this flat, It was unfurnished.";"say Rimmer: So you went to a hotel and stole the "bold"Bed?";"say Lister: I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didnt take were the towels, Im not proud of it.";END;WHEN cmd='21' THEN DO
"say *Scene* Rimmer is detained in a cell for the murder of the entire RedDwarf crew.";"say Lister: Hi, Killer.";"say Rimmer: Nine Thousand years. Nine!";"say Lister: Ive brought you a book....(throws it on the bed)";"say Rimmer: Oh, Thanks. Thatll help the centuries fly past.";"say Lister: Look, dont panic, man. We are going to get you out of here";"say Rimmer: Why Bother? Ill be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages.";END;WHEN cmd='22' THEN DO;"say Rimmer: For pitys sake, one breech in that hull and we are people paté";"say Cat: theres an old cat proverb, its better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm.";"say Rimmer: Theres an old Human saying, Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?";END;END
